My last posts have been a bit philosophical, as to this question of what the differences between Christians and non-christians going through tough times are. This post will be more about the thoughts and feelings over the last couple of weeks.
After the first two weeks, where our emotions were going up and down and it was difficult to handle, we have had a strange peace about everything that has been going on with Hannah. Of course there has been times with tears and where you what to give up, but we have been able to talk about it and the more we see Hannah go through the more we see how God does have a protecting hand over Hannah.
It is comments from doctors and nurses like "not many grown-ups would have had much chance of surviving what Hannah is going through", "I haven't seen a case with so much leaking and open wounds where infection has not been a problem" or "you two must be made of some special material going through this", which makes you realise that God must be doing something. Does this mean that we are certain that God will bring her through all this unharmed? No, but it gives us a hope and it gives us a peace that no matter what happens God is ultimately in control.
Maybe I'll be a little more philosophical anyway, as this might help understand my view on Hannah's situation and how I am dealing with it. I'm reading a book called "A Matter of Life and Death" by John Wyatt dealing with the whole dilemma of biological ethics and how far do you take medical treatment. Anyway the point he makes is how do we see human life. Are we just vessels of pre-programmed DNA's with the only purpose of providing survival of the species or do we have a much broader purpose as a relational being in a complex interdependance with other fellow human species.
From a Christian point of view humans are created in the image of God. So every time we look at another being of our kind we look at someone who reflects who God is (I know this may sound strange, but bare with me on this). What this mean to me is that you look at other people with a sense of wonder..."wow, here is a creature similar to me, showing me something about God" (This is not to be mistaken by the thought that we are all gods, we are just images or reflection of Gods character).
Secondly God "knitted us together in the womb" Psalm 139, even though this is a poetic language then the idea that God is in control of every human being who is born is unfathomable. It also means that God has created little Hannah with the heart defect. Of course this raise the big question of why! Which I think I discussed enough in my earlier post. But it also gives you the comfort of knowning that if God created Hannah and many others this way then they have a purpose. They are not just "mistakes" or defected humans, they enter into a context in which they affect many others and are part of the defining who we are. This raises other much deeper questions of how do I affect the people I'm around?, what is my role?, if I were to die tonight which lives would I have changed for the better?
Back to the feelings. I must say it is still hard and at times you wonder if you will be able to go through it all, but as one of the other parents said the other day, its not like you can say stop and say you want out. We knew when we found out that Hannah was going to be born with the heart defect that the chance of survival or full recovery was aganist us and that it would be difficult. Some may ask why we did not have an abortion and spare both us and Hannah from going through this? Again I think this is linked with our view on life. As God created all life with a purpose who are we to end it prematurely? Even though it is hard now, I think it would be even harder to not have given her the chance to live, and the question of what would she have been like if she had been born would haunt you the rest of your life. So, I think if I was asked again today if we should abort or go through with it, I would still go through with it.
Anyway I'm looking forward to seeing how it all ends. Something inside me tells me it will be a big joy which outweighs all the trouble we are going through.
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