Balance

The catch word for today seems to be "balance". Hannah has a huge amount of fluid in her body & is so swollen that she looks like a plastic doll. She is now on dislysis to try & remove some of the fluid but it is a fine balance between the amount of fluid she gets in & the amount of fluid they drain off, so as to not cause her blood pressure to drop too much. Then there are all the different medications she is on (9 different IV pumps, plus those they are just injecting), that are constantly being adjusted to find just the exact right amount required. Thankfully it seems that things are coming into balance. After struggling most of the day with little responce to treatment, Hannah's blood pressure has now come up & stablised, & the amount of fluid in her tissues has reduced.

On the personal life front there is also a lot of balancing to be done. A balance between time spent with Hannah & time with Joshua. The need to be with Hannah & spend as much time with her as possible, but also needing to take care of ourselves so that we don't get too run down. Today I reached breaking point emotionally. It all just became too much & I wanted to just give up & curl up in a ball, shutting the world out. Hannah was just so swollen & it just didn't look like she was there. I wondered if she had already gone & it was just the machines keeping her "alive".