Life Goes On - One Year On

I started to write this blog post in February, on the 1 year anniversary of us receiving the news about Hannah's condition. At the time I had lots of thoughts going around & couldn't get them to come together cohesively.  I've revisited it & added bits in the following months. I'm still not sure I can get it to hang together, but here I go.

Yes, life does go on, but not in the same way. My routine is the same, we go to all our usual activities, yet something is different. Like something is missing.

If we are meeting for the first time & you ask how many kids I have, I will tell you "a son, plus a daughter who is no longer with us". Not because I want to shock you, or want sympathy, but because it's the truth & a part of who I am.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This is true to some extent, though I believe you need to allow it to. To let go of the negative & look for the positives, learn from the experience. We have just finished (in March) a devotional series by Selwyn Hughes called "Hidden Treasures".  It talked about finding treasures in the trials of life. That when we go through dark experiences in life, there is still treasure to be found -- treasure that cannot be found in the light, easy times. These special riches can be many things, such as a deeper sense of His presence; a realisation of our true worth; assurance in the face of confusion; a new vision for the future. I believe this is the key to coming through such times as these with hope & confidence, knowing that with our loving and faithful God, nothing is wasted.

While on holidays last month (May) I read the biography of Mary Beth Chapman, "Choosing to See". Most of the book talks about their experiences after the loss of their daughter Maria following a tragic accident. Although their experience was different, there were a few things she said that I really identified with & helped put words to how I was feeling.

She talked about praying to God asking him to heal Maria after the accident and then she came to say "God HAD healed her, just not in the way we wanted".  That's so true. God has healed Hannah, but not here on earth. As Mary Beth also says "If we believe anything about our faith, we have to believe that we know where "Hannah" is right now & that God didn't make a mistake. He didn't turn His head, He was in complete control."

The other quote from the book was what Caleb said at Maria's funeral "God is like an abstract artist...and when you're real close to a painting like this, it's hard to focus, it's blurred, & you can't see what's going on. You have to walk really far back, & then the whole painting comes into focus & you can see what the artist was doing."

So here on Hannah's first birthday, we continue to journey on, probably never getting over our loss, but getting through it. The waves of grief roll in less frequently, but they still come.  But we have the hope & knowledge that earth is not our home & at our journeys end we will be with Hannah longer than we have been without her.