After thoughts

It is now over a month ago since Hannah died and even longer since I've shared my feeling here on the blog.

So here are my after thoughts...

The last 24 hours of Hannah's life was very special to me. Everything around Hannah's death just seemed liked it had been planned that way for a long time and it was like God telling me that He was in full control of everything.

As Ally wrote in her post on the 8th of August, Hannah suddenly got worse and the doctors told us that she would only have 5 to 10 minutes left, when her heart beat suddenly picked up and stabilised. I shall never forget the look on the surgeon's face that night, she was truly surprised and I'm sure that this was God's work.

The following day my family had planned to go to Djurs Sommerland (a big amusement park near Århus). My sister from Greenland and her family were in Denmark on a 2 weeks holiday and this was to be our family day together. Due to Hannah's condition, they all agreed to come and spend the day with us in Skejby instead. Everybody came during the morning and we had a bit of rest time after the long night while the doctors where looking into Hannah's chest again. I remember playing a game of table soccer with my brother and there was just a relaxed atmosphere, which looking back was kind of weird.

However, after lunch Ally and I went up to the ward to hear if there was any new development. The nurse seemed a bit stressed and didn't really want to talk and soon after the head doctor came and wanted to talk to us. She told us about the bleeding in the brain and that if it was confirmed Hannah would only have few hours left.

Half realising that this would be the end and half hoping for another miracle we just sat next to Hannah's cot. We then decided that if it was to be the end it would be nice to let the family get a chance to say goodbye, so we asked them all to come up to the ward.

When they came Hannah's blood pressure began to drop again and we then knew that it was time. Ally wanted to have Hannah in her lap and this was arranged. Slowly over the next half and hour to an hour her blood pressure and heart beat just slowly declined until we stopped the adrenaline and the respirator and all that was left was the blank screen, no beeeeeeep or anything just a feeling of peace.

My first question was....so, what now? It was all over. I guess this is the same feeling an athlete would have after having lost the last race in the Olympics...what now? I've been fighting to get this far, but lost...where do I go from here? It is a mixed feeling of relief and disappointment. The hard work is over, but we didn't get the results we wanted.

Anyway, the nurses where very helpful and our good friend Lars, who works as an undertaker, helped us in getting everything prepared for the funeral.

We quickly packed up everything at the Familiehus and came home the following day. The next couple of days where busy, with a baptism, and 70th birthday party and preparing the funeral, which got our minds off things for a while.

As Ally wrote the funeral was a good day for us. We kept is simple and had the joy of being with friends and family on a day where the sun was shining from a blue sky.

Almost a month later now and we are starting to get into a more normal routine. Ally's parents have gone back to Australia & we've had a mini holiday at a nice little quite place in the south part of Denmark. I've got one week of holiday left before I start back at work. But all the time we have had a peace and no big emotional breakdowns. I think the most upset I've been has been while sitting and writing this blog update and it's not so much a feeling sorrow but more an overwhelming gratitude of how God has cared for us and made everything give some sort of meaning. As I said at the funeral, Hannah has touch so many life around the world and if I could have the same impact I would die a happy man. A short life is not a meaningless life, we all come into the world with a purpose and have a role to fulfil. The question is if we see it, or do we hide away thinking we a worthless?

The other question that I have is...why us? Did we do anything bad to deserve this, or are we extra spiritual so that we can handle it better than others? I think the answer to both is No!. I don't believe God would punish people is this way no matter what we have done. Yes, our wrong doings have consequences and can lead us into trouble, but a thing like this, where you have no choice is not part of God's way of disciplining.
You who have followed the blog from the beginning will know that one of the biggest fights that I had was this question..."Does it make a difference being a Christian?". My faith in God was nothing special, yes I've done alot of "Christian" things, have studied many "Christian" subjects, I have a great knowledge of who God is, but I didn't have a personal understanding of how God acts.

Looking back over the time I can say with confidence, yes, it does make a difference being a Christian, if being a Christian means trusting in a almighty and loving God who is involved in your life. A God who reaches out to you when you're down and hugs you. Now it is not just a theological knowledge, but I can say as the blind man. "I may not fully know who this Jesus of Nazareth is, but one thing I do know, I was blind and now I see". I may not fully understand God and how he acts, but I've felt his presence and I know He loves me.

Life keeps going on and I'm sure this will not be the last storm on the way. Maybe the next time will be a hurricane and this was just to prepare us. Maybe the fire will take more than the storm. No matter what, we know that God will walk with us.

Now we will enjoy the good times and rejoice in all the blessings which God gives and keep praising him.